Remember when you were a kid and your Mom would ask about your “little friends”? It never failed to make my blood boil when she said that. What the hell, did she want to tick me off with that?
Now that I’m a parent, I really don’t want to intentionally torch my relationship with my sons, most of the time. But there are times when you just want to tweak their little noses. Part of being a parent is pissing off your kids. It’s just a natural part of life. When they’re young and vulnerable, we think they’re cute and we want to hold them and protect them and take care of them. It’s when they turn into adolescents that we realize we want them out of the house as soon as possible and hope they take their smarmy attitude with them.
And that’s good because otherwise, they’d all end up getting jobs delivering pizzas and living in our basements watching science fiction or playing video games until they’re in their 30s. That’s a situation no one wants.
These days, there’s just a plethora of things you can do to really torque off your kids.
1) Sing and dance in the grocery store. Yeah. If parents weren’t meant to dance in the grocery store they wouldn’t play Jack Johnson. Besides, what else are you going to do to ignore the constant “Hey, Mom, can we get this?” and the ever present “But I promise I’ll pay you back!” that seems to go on ad infinitum with grocery shopping. Dancing next to the taco kits is a sure fired way to send them running to the magazine aisle.
2) Start using their vocabulary – nothing sucks the coolness out of a word more for a teen than having it come out of your mom’s mouth. Start using words like “Jank,” “Nappy” and “Miz” in everyday conversation and see how quickly it loses its luster. In fact, I suggest you do this with any phrase you detest or have heard to the point of nausea…
3) Post pictures of them as a baby on Facebook, tag them and make comments about how cute they look in whatever baby outfit they are wearing. Ditto for the cute naked butt pics from infanthood.
4) Comment on their Facebook status updates. There’s nothing less cool than having your “Mom” say something dorky when you’re trying to impress some chic. “Like” their status? You might as well be hugging them in public. And follow them and/or their friends on Twitter? Be prepared to get the “Mooooom! That is SOOOOOO weird!!!”
5) Dance in the car. As embarrassing as it is for you to get caught singing at the top of your lungs at a stop light, or seat dancing to the newest P!nk song, it’s mortifying for them. Especially when you’re in the car rider pick-up line.
6) Like cooler music than them or force them to listen to 80s and 90s dance music. When their friends like your music, better than they like their music? SCORE!! With any luck, you’ll end up having them sing AC/DC or Aerosmith to you as their new “fave old school jam.” Word.
7) Drag them to the library, museum, cultural exhibit of the day. What better way to jerk your kids around than to make them learn something? Better yet, do a craft that is uber-appealing, but has educational value, like making rock candy… they’ll want to do it so much, but there’s that icky “Science Lesson” component that makes them truly want to hate it… Pure parental torture. Insert evil witch cackle here.
8) Play with their hair or other features in public. I’m not just talking about mom spit. I mean, just the mere suggestion that you’re going to fix their disheveled hair with your fingertips is enough to get the “Moooooooom” moan and eye roll. Of course they look better when you’re done, but they’ll just mess it all up again when you turn your back. Better to just stand there and do it constantly until they get really ticked and agree to cut their hair in some other style than the Beiber.
9) Figure out dorky names to call them in public. Some things never change. “Booger Bear” may have been cute when they were five, but once they get past eight, you’re doomed if you use it in public. However, it’s a good tool to use if you want them to stop talking to you and fume for a while. “Can you grab the door for me Booger Bear?” in front of their friends will almost assure that you’ll sit interruption free in front of the television for hours.
10) Join groups on Facebook discussing with other parents how to tick off their kids. DOUBLE SCORE! Triple points if you post pics of their reactions when you follow a suggestion.
© Liz Carey 2014